You And Your Avocado: A Theory

For most of you who know me I pride myself on the fact that my blog is a random collection of musings and disgruntlement with no real pattern, rhyme or reason. Today is no different. Today we’re going to talk about avocados.

              Put it on toast, have it with your eggs, turn it into guacamole, put it on a sandwich of choice – it doesn’t matter. Avocados make everything better and that is fact.

              I have a theory that the manner in which an individual is typically found to consume an avocado will reveal aspects of their personality.  


SLICED: This person strives for the fancy things in life. If this person had the time to arrange their perfectly sliced avocado into a rose pattern on a spotless white square plate they would, but this person does not have the time. This person is busy working hard to stay as fancy as time allows.

DICED: This person is meticulous to the core. This person relies on the details of situation to build the picture. This person cooks their bacon in a weaving pattern to make sure every corner of their BLT has bacon on it.

HALVED: Cut to the chase, get to the point. This person doesn’t fuck around. They are hungry, they have 7 minutes, they need their healthy fats and fibers and they need it now. This person is prone to honk in standstill traffic although they’re aware that no one around them can do a single thing about the lack of progress on their unfortunately shared journey.

MASHED: First I think we can all agree that no one mashes an avocado to eat it plain. If you do, get the fuck out of here.

              With that said. This person is an elaborate decorator. They don’t just eat an avocado. They eat guacamole, they eat it on toast, they make one of those healthy alfredo sauces with avocado as the base rather than heavy cream. This person knows what they want and they will spend the time to get there. This person works late nights on the projects no one else at work cares about, and they’re okay with it. This person has an elaborately decorated home that’s a bit over the top, but that’s how they like it.

SALT: Simple. Classic. Elegant. This person doesn’t step too far out of the box because there is no reason to. This person is the Audrey Hepburn of the healthy snacks. Breakfast has never been so simple and preservative free.

SALT & PEPPER: This person has a spark that doesn’t turn into an inferno. This person is the hint of lemon in a Thai salad; definitely something special there that you can’t quite put your finger on. This person can often be found with socks that aren’t quite matching but not enough to rock the boat.

OLIVE OIL: This person has a calculated approach to everything. They have cuff links for every occasion and would never be caught dead in an American made car. European luxury vehicles all the way. Most likely has spent extensive amounts of time overseas and will correct your geography at the drop of a hat.

LEMON JUICE: Life of the party. Most likely is really into wine and will analyze the taste of various espresso roasts without being asked or prompted to in any way.

              Again, this is a theory, not an absolute truth. Mash my theory, dice it, or slice it however you would like but it’s okay to take it with a grain of salt.

Salome Solomon