New Beginnings: A Recap

             It was nearing the close of December and I remember sitting at work and drumming my fingers on my desk full of paper airplanes and highlighted sticky notes thinking about the epic clustershit that happened to be 2016. At the dawn of the new year, I did not know what to expect. There was a lot of uncertainty but also a lot of hope. In honor of new beginnings, I have compiled a brief day to day of the first week of the new year.

 

Day 1:  

I don’t know about you but I woke up on a couch with at PBR and a taser in my purse so hello 2017 I have arrived.

The Hollywood sign now reads ‘Hollyweed’ with cute little hippie flags to make the letters. It is illogical and the grammar is poor but most humans cracked a smile so we’re ok here.

 

Day 2:

              The Bachelor returns with its 21st season and a lovelorn strip of driftwood named Nick Viall. A contestant steals the show in a Shark costume that would’ve given Katy Perry’s 2014 SuperBowl dancers a run for their money had she not adamantly insisted she was a dolphin. Her attire most definitely did not emulate a dolphin.

 

Day 3:

              The Coachella lineup goes viral and millennials everywhere lose their minds. College students stir their ramen as they make peace with being hopelessly broke for yet another year.

 

Day 4:

              President Elect Donald Trump publishes a rant that lasts for 11 consecutive tweets. This rant addresses a hacking incident within the Democratic National Cabinet, which morphed into yet another rant about Obama Care. A young 20-something blogger stationed in Seattle wonders if he would ever consider a Wordpress or a Tumblr account? Keep everything in one consecutive format of documentation?

 

Day 5:

              NASA has released a statement that they are planning another Mars mission although a large portion of the population are still shook from The Martian. Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden more or less tell Donald Trump to grow a pair.

 

Day 6:

              Carrie Fischer’s body is cremated and buried in a large Prozac Pill shaped urn next to her late mother Debbie Reynolds. If you can remain the same human being after reading that sentence please exit this page.

 

Day 7:

              The obsession with Damien Chazelle’s La La Land has reached fever pitch at this point. High ratings on rotten tomatoes and a grossing rate of 136.3 million USD; Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone charm society with adorable tap routines and a sing-song tale of Hollywood dreams and starlit streams

              Nonetheless, regardless of who our president is and what breed of ferret shit his toupee is composed of, there is and there will always be something to smile about. HNY and cheers to your hangover.

Salome Solomon