Earth, Evolution, and Essential Species

             The compulsion to write this piece hit me roughly around 5:45 on a Tuesday morning. I was laying wide awake listening to Father John Misty’s Pure Comedy and thinking about how much I hated birds. I pondered why I felt so strongly about this until the glitter of stars were gradually bleached by the rising sun and fluffy fingers of clouds strew tie-dye inspired patterns across the sky.

              Earth is a giant ecosystem, Salome. Every little thing is important and you know that. You can’t just eliminate birds and expect the world to function normally. The world won’t even function normally in the absence of flies and shit. Isn’t that wild?

              I remembered an episode during the first season of ABC’s crime thriller Graceland, that featured a foreign criminal who had made his fortune on the illegal import/export of exotic birds. All this was hidden under the guise of a local donut shop that Guy Fieri probably would have visited had this been real life. I decided birds couldn’t possibly be that bad. If they were worth so much in petty human currency imagine the inherent value they must have on the overarching disposition of our lives.

              As I approached my car I noticed a disquieting amount of bird shit on the back window of my car. I decided right then and there that regardless of how essential to mother earth birds may be, the reality of their existence from an evolutionary standpoint is that birds were nothing but shitty toothless dinosaurs that flew around and ruined lives.

              Obviously, we can take into account that there are almost 10,000 different bird species covering a vast spectrum of shapes, sizes, and temperment. For example, exotic birds are beautiful and colorful. They stand poised in tradition with coats worth more than my rent whilst living amongst trees and dappled sunshine. The Toucans and Flamingos of the world would totally live in Magnolia. But then we have diseased plebeians like Crows and Pigeons that hang out in parking lots and eat garbage and roadkill. I bet those types of birds would do well in Rainer or something.

         Colloquial of all birds previously listed is the fact that they are loud, they shit not only in public but on the public; and their beady little eyes are just pebbles of evil. They know they can really fuck up your day and then just FLY AWAY to escape punishment for the shit they do.

           I think that is my biggest issue with birds. They can shit on you, steal your lunch, caw for hours, or just go ahead and peck your face off with their germy little beaks and then just leave. You can’t give chase and even if you do, you’ll never catch them unless you’re Elastigirl or Thor. If that is not the case then oh well, tough shit.

           Anyways. I’m not even going to pretend that this post is anything more than something I needed to get off my chest. If you’re still reading this: thank you and please, please, for god sakes reevaluate your choices.


Salome Solomon